You say you won’t talk to people for a few days and yet you reach out to me. You apologize for becoming distant but your name comes up on my messages over and over. You start the conversations, sometimes you keep them going when they die. Sometimes you even follow up after a lull. You ask me about me when you’re grieving, when you should be showered with devotion and attention and comfort and love. Suddenly you’re sincere instead of sarcastic, but the teasing still shows up too. I don’t understand and yet underneath it, you’re still you. I’m so confused, so curious as to why me, why did you single me out, what did I do or say to make you want my attention? What kind of distraction do I offer you that others can’t? Why, so close to my leaving, do you suddenly give me reasons to both hate and adore you?
I can’t understand it, I can’t comprehend it, and all I know is that somehow you decided to trust me, and I want to be there, to help, to hold, to love. I’m so confused and so upset and so very, very much in love with you, for no reason at all, even though I shouldn’t be, and I can’t stop the rush of joy when I see your name on my phone, in my messages or on my Facebook. I miss your face at work and wish I could be around to hold you to me and tell you that you are so strong and so brave and so loved. I wish I could give you my everything, and I wish, as wrong as it is, as much as I absolutely do not deserve it, that for one shining moments you would say the words I can’t seem to say to you.